Handling Rejection With Grace
An underrated, but necessary skill for navigating non-monogamy.
One of the most beautiful parts of practicing non-monogamy is the expanded opportunities for connection it brings. Moving away from traditional relationship styles allows us to connect with others in ways that often aren’t deemed “appropriate” in monogamous culture. But something that’s not talked about enough is that more opportunities for connection also means more opportunities for rejection. This means that handling rejection with grace is a vital skill for navigating non-monogamy.
First, it’s important to acknowledge that rejection can be painful. It can bring up feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger and sadness - just to name a few. And the discomfort brought up by rejection can be exacerbated by our individual brain chemistry and past experiences alike. For example, individuals who are neurodivergent (like myself) often struggle with something called rejection sensitive dysphoria - meaning we experience extreme, overwhelming emotional pain in response to both real and perceived rejection. And neurodivergent individuals tend to make up a vast amount of the population who fall under the ENM umbrella, for a variety of reasons - that will have to be its own article.
Our sensitivity to rejection is also impacted by our past experiences. I often like to share an anecdote from my own experience of this in the lifestyle. Years ago, I was going to attend an event specifically for bisexual women by myself. I was going because I desperately wanted to form relationships with likeminded women, but on my way there, an intense feeling of anxiety took over. I started to feel nervous that being the newbie meant I’d be left out. I thought, “what if the women are cliquey, and nobody wants to interact with me?” It was almost as if I was in 7th grade all over again - because I feared reliving the pain of bullying and rejection I felt all too often in middle school. Of course, when I arrived all the women were so warm and welcoming - something I’ve discovered many people in this community tend to be. But this experience revealed the individual work I needed to do in order to heal this part of myself, the one who had been excluded for the majority of my childhood and teenage years. I share that to normalize that each of one us has our own history with rejection that comes along for the ride, whether it’s in dating or at play parties and group events. So how do we handle this difficult emotion with grace?
